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#whyIstayed

Reading this seemed like an echo of my own life and thoughts. Sometimes I even ask myself, “WHY did you wait nearly 20 YEARS before finally getting out of your abusive marriage??”. This blog posts puts my answers into words that I haven’t been able to find for myself.

https://divorcinganarcissistblog.com/2016/11/22/whyistayed/

Divorcing a Narcissist Blog

I came across someone on Twitter who is doing some research on narcissistic abuse and struggling with understanding why victims of narcissistic abuse stay in the abusive relationships. I reached out and recommended that they read the #whyIstayed hashtag where victims in all types of abusive relationships summarize the reasons why they stayed… and I also recommended that they read this blog. The researcher reached out to me still having a lot of confusion on the topic and asked me outright… why did it take 8 years for you to leave?!?

It’s actually a little surprising to me how complex this question is to answer, and I think that reflects the complexity within an abusive relationship. There are so many layers to why I stayed, and that is because there are so many layers to the manipulation and abuse that I withstood at the hands of The Narcissist.

So, in an…

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Emotional Abuse

Emotional abuse is an uncomfortable reality, a social taboo. As such, it is the least talked about yet most common form of abuse. It is insidious and subjective in nature….Read more here: Emotional Abuse

Here is a list of some of the behaviors that constitute emotional abuse of children.  I hope my boys take a good hard look at this list, and maybe pinpoint some of the treatment that they have experienced, or that they’ve seen their sister subjected to:

– harsh criticism, belittling, labeling
– name-calling
– yelling, screaming or swearing at children
– humiliation or demeaning jokes
– shunning the child from the family (or parts of the family)
– locking kids out of the home to discipline or punish
– denying medical or health care, and safe, clean environments
– unpredictable, unreasonable or extreme reactions
– hostility among family members
– inconsistent or unreasonable demands placed on a child
– ridiculing or humiliating a child in front of others
– threatening to reveal personal or embarrassing information
– leaving a child alone or unattended for long periods of time
– not permitting a child to interact with other children or maintain friendships
– keeping a child from appropriate social and emotional stimulation
– requiring a child stay indoors/in their room or away from peers
– keeping a child from playing with friends and activities s/he enjoys
– not permitting a child to participate in social activities, parties or group/family events
– excessive or extreme punishment for typical childhood behaviors
– encouraging a child to reject friends or social contact/invitations
– encouraging or rewarding unethical or illegal behavior (stealing, cheating, lying, bullying)
– allowing or encouraging children to engage in behavior that is harmful to them or others.
– having expectations beyond the developmental stage of the child
– using blame, shame, judgment or guilt to condemn child for behavior of others
– unreasonable expectations to perform chores or household duties

Characteristics of Emotionally Abusive Mothers

http://www.wikihow.com/Deal-With-Emotional-Abuse-from-Your-Parents-(for-Adolescents)

9/20/16 – Being Stuck

Well, today I feel stuck. Just absolutely stuck. The pain of missing my children is always there to some degree, but today more than anything I feel completely FRUSTRATED. Helpless. I know where my sons are. I’ve known the address for almost a year. More than anything I want to just jump in my truck and go there. To finally see them, and hug them, and tell them I love them. But knowing their location is not the problem. Getting there is not the problem. There are actually two problems, and they are huge.

The first problem is the law. Restraining orders are handed out like candy, but they are enforced stronger than any law out there. The one issued on me was based on a pack of lies, but getting it removed seems impossible. Everything I’ve done in my life proves I’m not a violent person, but none of that matters. I’ve served my country in the military as a Medic, worked in a prison with ZERO uses of force for nearly ten years, subjected myself to psychological evaluations and taken several classes on parenting. But until the judge says it can come off, I cannot see, speak to, or write to my children, or I will go to jail.

The second problem is their own belief. The last time I spent any time with them, our relationship was great. They wanted to spend time with me. Aiden was sick and still insisted on coming with me. But after the retraining order, their mother started lying to them. Telling them I was dangerous, that I wanted to hurt them, that I’m a bad person, and they’re all better off without me. After years of hearing that, and only that, they believe her. What choice do they have? She’s their mother, and their only source of shelter, food, clothing, and information. When you hold that kind of power over someone, you can make them believe whatever you want, even the complete opposite of the truth.

I wish their mother loved them enough to share them with me. I know that they need their father in their lives, just as I need them in my life. I wish she could see that. I know she hates me, and I can live with that. But to manipulate my children into hating me is not just cruel to me. It’s cruel to them. To separate children from a loving parent is child abuse, pure and simple. And it’s also cruel to their sister, who misses them as much as I do. Aiden and Seth, if you ever get a chance to read this, please know that you mean everything to me, and I will NEVER stop fighting for you.

Aiden-Seth-Haley-Singleton

Pictures of Aiden, Seth, And Haley


Haley’s adoption adoption day! I was so proud to have her join our family! Family means NO ONE gets left behind.


Saying goodbye to Seth for my deployment. This was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. I know he still misses me, even if he’s had to push that feeling down deep, and pretend he doesn’t. I miss him too.

Aiden_Singleton Rib
One of my earliest pictures with Aiden. He’s taking a bite of a pork rib on one of our camping trips. We’re still very much alike. I understand he’s pretty good at making ribs himself now. I hope one day we can share ribs again (but not like this!).


Enjoying a few last moments with Haley before deployment overseas. She’s still daddy’s little girl.


Haley’s 10th birthday. I’ve missed so many of her birthday’s since this one, but I’m glad I won’t have to miss any more.

Introducing my new website

Thanks for stopping by and welcome to my new blog! This is just an introductory post so I’ll keep it short and sweet.

I’m starting this blog because my therapist suggested I keep a journal to record my thoughts and feelings. Unfortunately, my handwriting is terrible and I can’t keep track of a notebook to save my life. So I thought that a blog might be a good way to overcome those obstacles. I can’t promise that this space will be witty, or informative, or even thought-provoking. This is primarily for my own benefit. Should you care to and dare to read any of this stuff, you might get a glimpse into my mind and an insight into my life. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Over the next few months I plan to be writing and sharing about my experiences and all the crap that goes on in my head. The last two years of my life have been both devastating and exhilarating, often at the same time. I’ve been through the terrible break-up of a long relationship that I could write a book about. I’ve also entered into a wonderful relationship that I could write a completely different book about. I have three children that I haven’t seen or spoken to in two years, and I miss very much. I often think about how much they would enjoy the things I have been doing, and how much I would enjoy having them with me.

That’s it for now! If you’d like to be kept updated with my posts “Like” this post or subscribe to my blog.