This article has really helped me to understand what I’ve been going through, and to see that my emotions are normal for my circumstances.
June 23, 2016
“The death of a child is indisputably one of the most incredibly horrible tragedies one can imagine. Whether by sudden accidental circumstance, or by a more lengthy cause as in illness, the loss of a child is undeniably painful to experience. Painful to the parents, parents to the family, and painful to anyone related to the child. Never knowing the laughter of that child again or the tears, the joys and the accomplishments is a pain no parent should ever have to endure, and yet it happens. No one might be to blame. It can just happen”. (Tim Line)
Imagine a similar pain and the same sense of loss, with one exception-the parent is very much aware that the child is alive.
The effects of Parental Alienation, Parental Child Abduction and retention are very similar to the loss of a child in some other way. However, the bereavement cannot end.
This feeling of bereavement can also affect the child that an abducting/alienating parent claims to love and can have serious emotional scars that can remain for a long period of time – If not for a lifetime.
Yet, parental child abduction and parental alienation remain as silent abuses that the effects never seem to be fully understood unless you or your family have to cope with this trauma yourselves…
Reading this seemed like an echo of my own life and thoughts. Sometimes I even ask myself, “WHY did you wait nearly 20 YEARS before finally getting out of your abusive marriage??”. This blog posts puts my answers into words that I haven’t been able to find for myself.
I came across someone on Twitter who is doing some research on narcissistic abuse and struggling with understanding why victims of narcissistic abuse stay in the abusive relationships. I reached out and recommended that they read the #whyIstayed hashtag where victims in all types of abusive relationships summarize the reasons why they stayed… and I also recommended that they read this blog. The researcher reached out to me still having a lot of confusion on the topic and asked me outright… why did it take 8 years for you to leave?!?
It’s actually a little surprising to me how complex this question is to answer, and I think that reflects the complexity within an abusive relationship. There are so many layers to why I stayed, and that is because there are so many layers to the manipulation and abuse that I withstood at the hands of The Narcissist.
attempt to summarize and make sense of a very complex thing… here are the high level reasons why I stayed…..
If you’re not aware of how the CASA program works, it is one of the few things that the judicial system has actually done right. CASA stands for Court Appointed Special Advocate. CASAs are volunteers, often with backgrounds in child development, that are appointed by judges to advocate for children in foster care. Unlike GALs (guardian ad litems), CASAs are not lawyers, and they are not paid, so they are not influenced by the legal system or by money. Their only allegiance is to the child they are appointed to. And they usually work only one or two cases at a time, so they are not overburdened like social workers. While their reports hold no official legal weight, judges often listen to what they say and follow their recommendations. They are true warriors for children, and heroes in my book.
When my daughter was removed from my ex-wife’s custody by Georgia DFCS, she was assigned the standard DFCS case worker and a GAL to oversee her case. She was also blessed in a big way to be assigned Dawn Scott as her CASA. Dawn is a genuinely kind and attentive person, and spent a lot of time with Haley listening to her needs and advocating for her interests, like CASAs are assigned to do. But Dawn also went above and beyond her regular duties.
When Haley was placed in DFCS custody, my ex-wife told everyone stories about her abusive husband in Florida. The responding police officer, the DFCS case workers, the GAL, the court officials, and even the Victim Advocate at Family Menders – everyone she spoke to – either bought the story at face value, or didn’t care enough to get involved. Except for Dawn Scott. Whether Dawn listened to Haley talk about her father, or simply suspected something fishy in Jennifer’s stories, I’ll never know. But she decided to dig deeper. She began to search for information about Haley’s father online. I don’t imagine it was hard to find. My Facebook profile is open with pictures of my children, as well as Google +, Wikipedia, and any sites I could find to put my name out there, carefully crafted to make it easy for my children to find me and see fond memories of the relationship we had.
Dawn found me immediately, and she alerted the court about what she found. Near the beginning of December 2015, I received paperwork from the Catoosa County Court petitioning for custody of Haley. Of course I had no idea what had happened, and the frantic phone calls and emails began. It took me several weeks to finally get in touch with all the right people, and no one wanted to cooperate with me. It took me another month to learn about Dawn, and when I finally emailed her about the situation, she responded immediately. Dawn was able to meet with me before my first meeting with Haley, and she gave me valuable advice on how to reconnect with the daughter I had not seen in three years.
Were it not for Dawn Scott’s efforts going above and beyond her already admirable work as a CASA, the Georgia court system may have never contacted me about Haley’s situation. The time it would have taken me to find out on my own is anyone’s guess. Because of Dawn I was able to begin the journey to win back custody of my daughter and reestablish the relationship that had been stolen from us. Thank you, Dawn Scott. You are unquestionably a true hero.
More information about the CASA program can be found here: CASA for Children
Empowering boys and men: The psychologically/emotionally abusive mother and her son: Learn to say NO!
Another thing that makes male victims different from female victims is how they often respond to maternal abuse. While female victims of neglectful, emotionally and mentally abusive mothers often sympathize with, or even ‘defend’, their mothers actions, male victims often display a very UNIQUE set of characteristics that hint to the abusive behavior. Read more here:
On Friday, 8/28/2015, my daughter, whom I had not seen in three years, went to school with bruises on her face, arms, and chest. A teacher noticed, and rightly contacted Georgia DFCS. The teacher also spoke with my daughter, who did not want to disclose the abuse at that time. But when she found out DFCS had been contacted, she told them she was afraid to go home. DFCS then contacted Steve Blevins of the Fort Oglethorpe Police Department. I wish they had contacted the Catoosa County Sheriff’s Office instead. When my ex-wife showed up with her mother, they confessed to abusing my daughter, and even produced a video, taken by my son at their instruction, showing part of the abuse. (As a side note, having children witness abuse of another child is a crime in itself). Of course the two of them put the blame on my daughter, but any reasonable person could see that their behavior was abusive.
It was decided then and there that it would not be safe for my daughter to return to her mother’s house. She was taken into DFCS custody, finally free of the physical and emotional abuses of my ex. I would like to tell you that the story doesn’t end there. I would like to tell you that Lt. Blevins arrested my abusive ex and conducted a thorough investigation, that he contacted me or my extended family, and that he got my daughter in front of a victim advocate to tell her story. But Lt. Blevins did none of those things. What he did do was write up a very vague and bland report, and called it a day. He did no follow up with an investigation at all, but rather sat on the case for six weeks and then marked it “Exceptionally Cleared”, which is cop-speak for “We can’t technically close this case, but we don’t feel like working on it anymore”.
Contrasting Lt. Blevins’ report with the report made by the social worker shows a blatant incompetence and/or apathy on his part. Several key parts of the narrative that justified the removal of custody, and would have supported a prosecution for a Cruelty to Children charge, were missing. Phrases like:
“She stated they had “ganged up on her” and that is how she received the bruises on her right arm and right eye”
“Ms. Singleton [was seen] sitting on [child] while [child] was screaming for Ms. Singleton to stop”
“Ms. Singleton also said something in the video while she was lecturing [child] about “a dumbass kid””
“[Child] stated that her mother and brothers would antagonize her and then when she became so upset they would videotape her”
“[Child] stated that… her mother had taken her drawing, journaling, and walking away privileges away”
“[Child] stated that… her mother reached under her arms and punched her in the eye”
“Ms. Singleton became defensive and told Case Manager Baldridge “Just take her into foster care. I am fed up with her”
Instead of putting these things in his report, Lt. Blevins uses language that suggests my daughter is responsible for the incident, and it’s just a simple matter of a parent being overwhelmed by an unruly child. Although he acknowledges there are inconsistencies in Ms. Singleton’s story, he simply takes her word for it that “they were all abused by her husband in Florida”, and doesn’t bother to try and contact me. I don’t even find out about the incident until more than three moths later, and then he ignores all my attempts to contact him at that time. It won’t be until I am finally awarded custody of my daughter, ten months after the incident, that she finally gets an interview with an Abuse Advocate at my insistance.
Now you may be asking yourself, “Why is this guy so hung up on the criminal case? He’s got his daughter back, so what does it matter if his ex gets prosecuted or not?”. Because my ex still has custody of my two sons. My sons were not only a witness to this abuse, they were a part of it. Now, I don’t blame my sons for this. They are children, and they act at the direction of a parent. My ex has made them her henchmen in carrying out abusive behavior on their sister. This is unacceptable. And no one is there to stop her. The boys are home schooled, and their computer access and contact with adults are tightly controlled. I haven’t seen or spoken to them in almost five years. NO ONE IS WATCHING OUT FOR THEM. So because Lt. Blevins had little to no interest in Protecting and Serving, my sons remain in the home where their sister has been removed by DFCS and the Georgia Court System, with no oversight whatsoever.
Steve Blevins, you failed me, you failed my daughter, and you failed my sons, leaving them with an abusive woman who has already risked their lives with an arson attempt. Your failure to act and follow up on this case is negligent, despicable, and shameful. You don’t deserve the badge you wear, and you don’t deserve the respect of the people of Fort Oglethorpe.
I wanted to post something a little different today. Most of my posts are about what has happened in the past, or what I hope for in the future. But for this post I just want to take the opportunity to appreciate a small moment that happened yesterday, a moment I wouldn’t have had if I didn’t have custody of my daughter.
Haley went on a school field trip yesterday. It was a long trip up to Georgia with the FFA to an Agricultural Fair. I had to drop her off early in the morning, and she didn’t return until 8PM that night. It was a fairly large group going, with three charter buses taking students from several different schools. When I arrived to pick her up, it was dark. The parking lot was full of cars, some with parents still in them, while other parents had chosen to get out of their cars and stand around the parking lot to wait.
But I’m not your typical parent. When the buses arrived, I got up in the bed of my pickup truck. As soon as the kids got off the bus, I hit the panic alarm. So there I am, horn honking, lights flashing, standing up in the bed of the truck, grinning and waving my arms like a maniac. Needless to say, Haley spotted me immediately. She sprinted to me, laughing like crazy.
That’s the kind of moment that makes me happy to be a father. That’s the kind of moment that helps me keep it together, when all week long I’ve wanted to fall apart.
This was taken from a post by Time to Put Kids First, at http://timetoputkidsfirst.org/ . Although the words are not originally mine, they read directly from my heart.
“I’m not ashamed of the false allegations made against me, or of the threats, the restraining orders, or even the jail time I served because of my ex. In times of darkness when I feel like a failure as a parent because I am not ALLOWED to parent, those things make me remember what a great father I truly am! Though I can’t be with them, I have done, and will continue to do, everything in my power to be a part of their lives. Not everyone could live through so much.”
These words speak to me, because I have been through everything listed here. I was once ashamed of all this. When the false allegations were first made, I was deeply ashamed of them. When a person is accused of something so heinous, it is difficult not to FEEL guilty, even when you’re innocent. I had made my share of parenting mistakes, and when the false accusations came, every one of those mistakes seemed magnified 100x. I condemned myself over and over. I found myself confessing to the smallest infractions to anyone who would listen, trying to rid myself of the guilty feelings. I felt like others believed the accusations as well, and I wanted to hide, to just disappear. I found it difficult to trust anyone, even my closest family and friends.
After that, the guilt of not being able to protect my children from what was happening to them set in. In my mind, a father should be able to protect his children from anything. I felt that it was my responsibility to protect them, no matter what the courts or the cops said. I spent two weeks in jail after trying to see my daughter. It took months of therapy to finally accept that I had to release myself of the burden of protecting my children, because legally I could not. I still don’t know if I have fully accepted that this failure is not my fault. Even though I faced a mountain of lies and legal judgements, with the might of the police force to back them up, I still sometimes ask myself, “What kind of father am I to let some stranger tell me I can’t talk to my children?”.
But I am healing. I am releasing that responsibility. I am accepting that I am a good father, and I deserve to see my children, even though I am being prevented from it. Every day I spend with my daughter proves to me that I am a worthy parent. And I am no longer ashamed. I do not own those lies – my ex does. And I will not hide any longer. The truth is on my side. The courts do not know what is in the best interests of my children, I do. And I will never stop fighting for them, whether they know it or not.
Next to Haley is her brother Charles, who we were also fostering at the time. I don’t know how much they would remember of Charles, since he was removed from the home when I was away at Basic Training, shortly after this picture was taken. Jenn accused Charles of some pretty awful things. In light of what happened to Haley and me, I have to wonder if any of those things were true. It seems just as likely now that Jenn simply did not like Charles, and wasn’t able to parent him in the controlling manner she preferred. I suspect she made up those horrible things about Charles, so that he would be removed from our home “for the safety of the family”. I’m sure that would sound familiar to Aiden and Seth. I wonder who will be next?
Then we have Jenn holding Aiden. Aiden was so happy to be gaining a brother! I hope he’s just as happy about it now. I’m glad they are still together, at least. Behind Jenn is the judge who granted Seth’s adoption to myself and Jenn. Standing next to Jenn is my mother, who the kids called “Grandma Jane”. She misses Aiden and Seth as much as I do. She was thrilled to finally be able to talk to Haley again after so much time, and I know she’ll be just as excited to talk to her grandsons one day. Finally behind Grandma Jane is my Aunt Anna, and her daughter Peggy. Haley was finally able to see them this past weekend.
At one time this family was all together. While we lived in different places, there was nothing stopping any of us from picking up a phone and calling, or making a trip to see another part of the family. At the very least, the children had unfettered access to all of their extended family. While Jenn and I separating was going to be difficult and painful no matter what, my intention was that it be as easy as possible on the children. Our marriage may have been broken, but there was no need for the children to lose so many people who loved them. I know I could have swallowed my pride so that they would still have their entire family. It’s hard to believe that one person would want to cause so much unnecessary pain. It is my greatest wish that ALL of my children will be able to see ALL of their family again one day.
Seth, Haley, and Aiden with their Uncle Scott. He misses them very much as well.
Here is a list of some of the behaviors that constitute emotional abuse of children. I hope my boys take a good hard look at this list, and maybe pinpoint some of the treatment that they have experienced, or that they’ve seen their sister subjected to:
– harsh criticism, belittling, labeling
– yelling, screaming or swearing at children
– humiliation or demeaning jokes
– shunning the child from the family (or parts of the family)
– locking kids out of the home to discipline or punish
– denying medical or health care, and safe, clean environments
– unpredictable, unreasonable or extreme reactions
– hostility among family members
– inconsistent or unreasonable demands placed on a child
– ridiculing or humiliating a child in front of others
– threatening to reveal personal or embarrassing information
– leaving a child alone or unattended for long periods of time
– not permitting a child to interact with other children or maintain friendships
– keeping a child from appropriate social and emotional stimulation
– requiring a child stay indoors/in their room or away from peers
– keeping a child from playing with friends and activities s/he enjoys
– not permitting a child to participate in social activities, parties or group/family events
– excessive or extreme punishment for typical childhood behaviors
– encouraging a child to reject friends or social contact/invitations
– encouraging or rewarding unethical or illegal behavior (stealing, cheating, lying, bullying)
– allowing or encouraging children to engage in behavior that is harmful to them or others.
– having expectations beyond the developmental stage of the child
– using blame, shame, judgment or guilt to condemn child for behavior of others
– unreasonable expectations to perform chores or household duties
Well, today I feel stuck. Just absolutely stuck. The pain of missing my children is always there to some degree, but today more than anything I feel completely FRUSTRATED. Helpless. I know where my sons are. I’ve known the address for almost a year. More than anything I want to just jump in my truck and go there. To finally see them, and hug them, and tell them I love them. But knowing their location is not the problem. Getting there is not the problem. There are actually two problems, and they are huge.
The first problem is the law. Restraining orders are handed out like candy, but they are enforced stronger than any law out there. The one issued on me was based on a pack of lies, but getting it removed seems impossible. Everything I’ve done in my life proves I’m not a violent person, but none of that matters. I’ve served my country in the military as a Medic, worked in a prison with ZERO uses of force for nearly ten years, subjected myself to psychological evaluations and taken several classes on parenting. But until the judge says it can come off, I cannot see, speak to, or write to my children, or I will go to jail.
The second problem is their own belief. The last time I spent any time with them, our relationship was great. They wanted to spend time with me. Aiden was sick and still insisted on coming with me. But after the retraining order, their mother started lying to them. Telling them I was dangerous, that I wanted to hurt them, that I’m a bad person, and they’re all better off without me. After years of hearing that, and only that, they believe her. What choice do they have? She’s their mother, and their only source of shelter, food, clothing, and information. When you hold that kind of power over someone, you can make them believe whatever you want, even the complete opposite of the truth.
I wish their mother loved them enough to share them with me. I know that they need their father in their lives, just as I need them in my life. I wish she could see that. I know she hates me, and I can live with that. But to manipulate my children into hating me is not just cruel to me. It’s cruel to them. To separate children from a loving parent is child abuse, pure and simple. And it’s also cruel to their sister, who misses them as much as I do. Aiden and Seth, if you ever get a chance to read this, please know that you mean everything to me, and I will NEVER stop fighting for you.
First of all, you should know that the things you’ve been told about Haley are not true. She has no mental or emotional problems, and did not “take over my role as the abuser”. That’s just nonsense. Haley lived at Cherokee Estate for a year, and got along just fine with all the other girls, and even earned herself several privileges there. She came home to live with me permanently on August 8th (so over a month ago), and has been doing very well. She is not on any medication, because she never needed to be. She is attending church and school, and making friends in both places. She has her own room. There is no yelling, or angry slamming of doors, or any need to “restrain” anyone. On the contrary, having her home has been a blessing, both for her and for me.
Now that you know what’s NOT going on, let me tell you what IS happening. I know that Jenn took you both out to fun places several times and left Haley home, punishing her due to some infraction, whether real or imagined. Well, she now has an annual pass at Disney, and we’ve been at least three times. She’s also been to SeaWorld several times. She decided to cut her hair short, and she looks fantastic with it that way. She has joined the Air Force JROTC at school and was already made the first commander of her Freshman class. So far she’s loving it. She’s also participating in band. I got her a trumpet a few weeks ago, she’s been practicing, and getting pretty good. Last weekend we went to a concert at the House of Blues in Disney Springs, because I know the band. She’s been going back to the church you were all going to before you left Florida, and is planning a sleepover with one of her friends soon.
I don’t tell you this to make you envious, but to tell you that your sister is a good person. She always has been. She misses both of you guys a lot, and I know she wishes you could be with us when we do these things. We almost always talk about you two when we’re out doing things, and even when we’re just at home hanging out. Your sister loves you, and so do I.
Special treat! Lobsters for dinner tonight!
Well, I’m finally writing again. I never was good at this journal thing, but I’m trying again. The pain is just too great today, I have to find a way to let it out. Aiden and Seth, I miss you so much. I have Haley here with me now, and that is great. She’s doing fantastic. She’s doing really well in school, and she’s reunited with her friends from church. But like me, she misses you both very much. Sometimes she cries. Sometimes I do, too.
I would give anything to hug you guys once again. I miss putting you up on my shoulders. I know you’re both too big for that now, but I still miss it. I even miss Seth’s talking non-stop. I know a little about both of you, from what Haley has told me. I know Aiden wants to be a pilot, and loves to cook out on the grill. I know Seth is an amazing singer, and even does opera singing! I wish so much that I could talk to you about these things.
I’ve missed you both every single day, but for some reason, today it hurts more than it has in a long time. I try to stay hopeful, but lately it seems like hope is nothing more than a tease for me, a promise that continually goes unfulfilled. I’ve wanted to cry all day. I wonder if you guys ever miss me.
I miss when I used to participate in Seth and Aiden’s Tae Kwan Do class. I was so proud of both of them, and I loved being a part of their lives!
I write this hoping my sons, Aiden Singleton and Seth Singleton, see this and know that I love them and I miss them very much
Haley and I spent the day at the Tennessee Aquarium. We had a great time, and we’d love to come back some day. 🙂
I have finally been reunited with my daughter Haley! I had been waiting for this day for nearly four years. I was so nervous to see her, because it had been so long, and I knew that she had been told terrible things about me the entire time. I was worried that she would blame me for the separation, and all the things she had to go through during it. Turns out I needn’t have worried! As soon as she saw me, she ran up and threw her arms around me, sobbing. I admit I cried a little too. It is so good to have my little girl back! Even if she’s not so little anymore.
Saying goodbye to Seth for my deployment. This was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. I know he still misses me, even if he’s had to push that feeling down deep, and pretend he doesn’t. I miss him too.
One of my earliest pictures with Aiden. He’s taking a bite of a pork rib on one of our camping trips. We’re still very much alike. I understand he’s pretty good at making ribs himself now. I hope one day we can share ribs again (but not like this!).
Going with the kids on their first day of school.
They were so proud of me, just like I was proud of them.
I’m still proud of them.
Aiden so proud to be just like his daddy! I understand he’s still just like me, even though he probably doesn’t want to be.
But I will always be a part of him, and he will always be a part of me.
And I will always love him.
Just goofing around with Aiden, like we always used to.
I miss these times.
These three were my reason and my strength for completing Basic Combat Training! I can’t think of a better reason, or a more powerful motivator.
This is one proud poppa. Still proud of this guy, even though we’re both a bit older now.
He may be a proud poppa himself one day.
I hope I get to see that day.
Thanks for stopping by and welcome to my new blog! This is just an introductory post so I’ll keep it short and sweet.
I’m starting this blog because my therapist suggested I keep a journal to record my thoughts and feelings. Unfortunately, my handwriting is terrible and I can’t keep track of a notebook to save my life. So I thought that a blog might be a good way to overcome those obstacles. I can’t promise that this space will be witty, or informative, or even thought-provoking. This is primarily for my own benefit. Should you care to and dare to read any of this stuff, you might get a glimpse into my mind and an insight into my life. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
Over the next few months I plan to be writing and sharing about my experiences and all the crap that goes on in my head. The last two years of my life have been both devastating and exhilarating, often at the same time. I’ve been through the terrible break-up of a long relationship that I could write a book about. I’ve also entered into a wonderful relationship that I could write a completely different book about. I have three children that I haven’t seen or spoken to in two years, and I miss very much. I often think about how much they would enjoy the things I have been doing, and how much I would enjoy having them with me.
That’s it for now! If you’d like to be kept updated with my posts “Like” this post or subscribe to my blog.